The Tea Shop

How you feel when you’re winning an argument

effyeahchampomix:

(Source: theepichumor, via chillaugh)

Make Believe

Oh I’m in a mood today…

Hunten Peck left this comment: “I just realized that one is never too old to play with large cardboard boxes.”

Hunten Peck, that reminds me of my youth. When I was in fourth grade, my teacher, Mr. Fulderman, came in and he set a giant present down on his desk.

He said, “Who wants to open this?” and there was a sea of grubby little hands, waving in the air: “ME ME ME!”

And Mr. Fulderman looked in my direction - not right at me, but to the right of me, where he picked my best friend in the whole world.

My friend, little J.P. - in his Wide Wale Cords and button-in short-sleeve shirt - shuffled to the front of the world, in equal measure embarassed and proud.

And J.P. ripped all the wrapping paper off the box and he opened it and his eyebrows got all wormy and confused and Mr. Fulderman said, with a big smile,

“The box is empty. I’m giving you the present of Make Believe. J.P., why don’t you try?”

And J.P. stood there for a second and he scrunched up his little face on his litle tiny pea-head and Mr. Fulderman said, “J.P., what’re you thinking?”

Eyes still closed, J.P. whispered, “I’m Making Believe that you aren’t a total dick.”

“No, J.P., I mean use your Make Believe on the box.”

And J.P. frowned and Mr. Fulderman said, “What’s wrong?” and J.P. said, “I’m pretending that the box is pretending to be me and it’s sad because we’re both so bad at it.”

“J.P., try again.”

“Okay, I’m pretending that the box is the feeling I have right now; the belly-sick of a Sunday when the sun goes down.”

And that was enough. J.P. was asked to sit down and one-by-one all of the rest of the kids got a turn. Cara Slatery sat inside the box and said it was a car, real fuckin’ stretch.

Scott and Eddie went up together and pretended that it was a counter in a Chinese restaraunt, Mr. Fulderman stifling a laugh as he said that it wasn’t nice to immitate accents.

Trains, a doghouse, a giant hat, and when it was my turn I climbed inside and said it was a rocketship and made the sound of the engine.

I knew it was lame, but I had a secret: I was better at pretending than all of them.

Because I pretended there was a boy in my class named little J.P. and he was my best friend in the whole world.

And he would wait for me in the far corner of the school, away from the playground, away from the kids, excited to hang out with weird chubby me.

And we would talk about the techniques of fighting bigger opponents and what it would taste like to French Kiss after each sort of meal and your box? Your box can go fuck itself.

You know when I searched on Google for “How to Pretend” the first result was “How to Pretend you Come from a Rich Family”…eugh…

But in third place I found “How to Teach Children How to Pretend” from e-How.

“Instructions: 1. Tell your kids you want to pretend you’re on a farm and get down on your hands and knees on the floor.”

Aw crap, I think I lost my Lance Armstrong bracelet when I was trying to inseminate that cow…

“Give your children a play kitchen and ask them to cook a delicious meal for you.”

No, we’re not gonna BAKE the cookies, remember we’re Make Believe depressed. We’re gonna eat the cookie dough RAW.

On wiki-how I found instructions on how to pretend to be an adult, for kids.

“1. Decide on a job. You can also pretend to go to college!”

I did that!

“2. Decide on kids. You can use baby dolls, or you can just not have kids, decide on if you want them to be adopted or not.”

UHHHHHHHHH

“3. Decide on a home. You can live in an “apartment” if you have siblings, or you can “rent” a home if you’re an only child.”

Look at that, they’re pretending to be you and me!

I did find one site that was Make Believe for adults and guess what, it was a store!

And it sold this! *Unicorn Horn picture*

And I don’t have anything to say about that, I’m pretending.

I didn’t stop pretending when I became an adult it’s just that when I was a kid I was pretending that I fit into the rules and structures of this world, and now that I’m an adult I pretend that those rules and structures exist.

All of our Make Believe is tied up in important stuff like keeping our shit together.

“Oh honey, I’m sorry, I can’t pretend to eat an imaginary piece of cake right now, Daddy’s too busy pretending he knows how to raise a child.”

We’re pretending all the time, Erving Goffman’s presentation of self in everyday life.

Pretend that it’s normal for a human being to sit inside of a box and stare at another box that has a video of boxes on it.

*Picture of weird fire-hydrant and cubicle with bag hanging over the side*

So much pretending, so much big pretending. I’m tired of pretending that this is a piece of metal and not a lonely robot. I’m tired of pretending that this is a bag and not an invisible bear.

Make. Believe.